Not so long ago, the country was stirred by the news that a young man in a fit of jealousy killed the girl who left him. He killed right on the street. And we can be horrified by condemning the killer, or we can try to understand the reasons for what happened.
However, this situation may not happen to everyone. And this is not about someone else's fault, but about the very scenario of the relationship of young people.
In most cases, such a relationship in which aggression and violence is permissible does not occur for the first time in a person. This is the first criterion to rely on. Usually people who miss the first danger signals and ignore them fall into a dangerous relationship with a person who is not able to control himself in strong emotions. And this is not their fault, this is because they have already laid such an internal scenario of relations.
Obviously, the relationship in that pair cannot be called healthy. There was a very strong and unhealthy emotional dependence, the break of which on the one hand led to pain, and as a result, to aggression on the other. His pain does not justify his act. But even for a psychopath or tyrant, the loss of a victim is a shock. It is a fact.
But in the case of a healthy relationship, each partner goes through pain without much of losses. This does not mean that everyone leaves a relationship with a smile on his face and a sense of gratitude. This means that no one after the break does no harm to himself, to another person and does not lose control of himself.
Scenario Relationships is an unconscious program for building relationships based on the experience that we lived as children. In this scenario, we subconsciously seek confirmation of what we saw. And the more painful it was for us to see, the more necessary is confirmation that this is normal. Paradox.
For example, a girl grows up in a family with emotional, physical or sexual by violence between parents. Every time a father comes home not in the mood and he doesn’t like the way his wife looks at him, he beats her. A less radical way - he humiliates her. The girl never saw any other relationship, and therefore what is happening to her is absolutely natural. And this makes it uncomfortable and painful. This internal divergence forces her to seek a logical explanation to deal with this cognitive dissonance. And then the girl explains to herself that in a relationship it does not have to be good, that a woman has to endure, and a man can behave in this way.
This is the reality of many people.
When a girl is already 20 years old, she builds her first serious relationship. Meets a guy who is very caring, but sometimes too critical or controls her every move. But since her childhood experience, when her father beat her mother, is much more intense than his excessive control, she does not even recognize these first danger signals. For her, this is more than normal, it is better than it was in her family, which means it’s good. Thanking him for being much kinder than her father was, she became attached to the guy. And he continues to miss aggression or excessive control in his address, because this is not in the danger zone. Even if he hits her for the first time, it will not enter the danger zone. Because it has always been like this in her family, which means that this is normal.
She continues to miss signals, thereby giving the guy permission to a greater manifestation of aggression. But at some point, the victim falls into that girl, who was very scared. And he makes a spontaneous decision to get away from these dangerous relationships. The solution is good, but the problem is that she did not see how this is done, and does not know how to do it safely. Because her mother never left her father.
A girl does this with great fear, and often without insurance. And since before that dangerous signals were encouraged, the partner becomes furious and strikes again. Sometimes she kills her, sometimes she kills herself. Sometimes brings her or herself to a psychiatric hospital. At least, my experience with such couples and victims of violence testifies to this.
Is it possible to blame the girl that she fell into such a dangerous relationship? Not. Is it possible to blame her family for laying such a scenario? Partly, but not completely. Can you blame the guy? Many will say: of course, yes! His act provokes indignation and condemnation, but the guy also has his own script, which he played.
Signs of a dangerous relationship
We can’t regulate what kind of experience we got in childhood. But we can be attentive to what partners we have relations with. Therefore, I will list the criteria for unsafe partners below. It is also important that they do not depend on social, material, family status and age.
It may seem to you that this is not dangerous. And in half the cases you will be right. But the second half is the risk of overgrowing excessive care into control, jealousy, punishment for inappropriate and ingratitude.
What do I mean by excessive care? This is the care of an adult, independent person as a child. This is a care that makes you uncomfortable, cramped and difficult to breathe. Refusing it, you feel guilty.
When one partner, regardless of gender or age, requires to report all your movements, calls, acquaintances, filters your environment. Control is needed for children for their safety, and then within a reasonable amount and according to age. Healthy control may be necessary for a person suffering from mental illness or having limited physical abilities. But he is not needed by a person physically and mentally healthy, capable of making independent decisions. Control should not be confused with care. Caring implies the presence of the need of another person. Control, however, implies the tranquility of only the controller. And this is a dangerous relationship.
The issue of jealousy usually causes a lot of controversy among psychologists. Why? As some colleagues are of the opinion that jealousy is an indicator of indifference. Others (and I belong to them) are sure that jealousy is a manifestation of possessiveness. Moreover, usually jealousy is accompanied by aggression towards the partner. This is my subjective opinion, and you have the right to agree or disagree.
I believe that relationships where there are clear signs of jealousy, including excessive control and aggression, are dangerous relationships in which the second partner experiences fear and tension. Such emotions on a permanent basis in a relationship cannot be healthy. Enjoying such a relationship is also quite difficult.
Manifestation of aggression
Aggression and anger as such are normal human emotions. The line lies in the level of manifestation and intensity. And most importantly - security for people around and the person himself.
There are certain criteria by which we can say that anger and aggression as its manifestation are normal. For example, healthy aggression is usually appropriate to the situation. It does not arise for no reason. Another question: what is the cause of aggression for another person - for us it may not be.
Sound aggression usually has a rational explanation, and a person is able to logically argue what he is angry at. Nothing can justify physical abuse. Inability to do something is not a reason for humiliation. And that is the norm. If this is not the case in your case, then this is a dangerous relationship. Psychologically and physically.
Exaggerated need for recognition
Everyone needs a recognition. This is one of the eight needs in a relationship, having satisfied which we feel our importance and safety. But sometimes this need takes on painful forms. In such cases, a person needs admiration so much that he reacts aggressively to, in his opinion, manifestations of recognition that are insufficiently bright. Next to such a person, you may feel that you are not doing anything important, that you are not there at all. There is only him and his merits. And recognition of these merits requires a partner regularly, aggressively and loudly.
Constant tough criticism
What is harsh criticism? This is an aggressive, harsh, negative assessment of everything you do, accompanied by humiliation and your sense of guilt and unworthiness. Unfortunately, most of us went through this, having experienced the same from teachers, parents, and society as a whole.
If your partner is convinced that you are doing everything wrong and are not capable of anything, which you are regularly reminded of, this is excessive criticism. Even aggressive sarcasm can be a form of harsh criticism and humiliation. Such unsafe partners do not hesitate to make fun of you with others, to find fault with any trifles, to think of something.
Constantly accused of all mortal sins
Signs of an unsafe partner include constant accusations of everything and always. Especially typical for such people are the manipulations that you are the cause of all his troubles and failures. Whatever happens in the life of such a person, you will be to blame. Even if he is fired from his job, and you run the risk of advising or even supporting something. The beginning can be quite harmless - an excuse for a bad mood. But later it will become a habit. And when accusations become the norm and become aggressive, this is a dangerous relationship.
A clear feature of people prone to aggression and violence is the habit of punishing for failure to meet their expectations. Punishment does not always imply a certain physical effect. Sometimes it is a punishment by prolonged neglect, refusal to satisfy your needs, indifference to your condition. This criterion is very close to the previous ones. Because the punishment goes with the charges. You will have to ask for forgiveness from such a person for a long time and regularly. He also has a great need for recognition, and therefore he will expect vivid manifestations of repentance, shame and guilt from you. He will demand promises from you.
How to get out of a dangerous relationship?
As they say, the best way to solve a problem is not to bring it to it. What to do if you are in an unsafe relationship for a long time? The process of getting out of them requires several stages.
First of all, you need to prepare. Yes, it is necessary to prepare for breaking an unsafe relationship with an aggressive person. First, it’s important to make sure that your decision is final and that you won’t be able to persuade.
It is important to have a place where you can go. You cannot go into the void. It should be a deliberate action, with the feeling that you have a safe place. At the moment, there are two obvious options - relatives and friends or a crisis center. The first option with relatives and friends is only suitable if they are able to protect you, and if your partner does not know where they live. Otherwise, it is better to contact the crisis center, where you really will be under reliable protection. Even with children.
Do not spread your intentions to the friends and relatives of the partner. Gather the necessary things, do not cling to the little things. If you decide to completely deal with the psychological component, you will calmly and gradually increase your budget and be able to purchase new things.
Unlike safe, dangerous relationships can and should be broken in the absence of a partner.
When you are safe, you can do psychological analysis: work with the same scenario and figure out how you got into such relationships and how not to get into them again.
At the same time, it is important to avoid any direct contact with the former partner. Any communication should take place through a third party, preferably legal. Any communication is important to record. Since in a situation with compensation for moral damage, a court or self-defense, evidence will be needed.
Attention, prudence from the very beginning and the priority of one’s safety in any circumstances are the most important conditions for normal relations and a safe exit from dysfunctional ones.
The article was published in the publication Mirror of the Week: